Wednesday, July 27, 2011

A dark place

I haven't posted in a long time with only 14 followers I doubt I'm missed much. I have been posting bout recaps on lately so I guess this is the place I come to bare my soul about all things derby and other crap as well.
I've have a rough and yet really good couple of months. My work load had increased which is WONDERFUL! I have had two friends lose their men to tragic deaths which has been hard for me as I hurt when my friends hurt. I've always been one to feel pain when my friends are hurting. (I'm not saying I understand their pain. I do not know what they are going through or how they feel. My heart is just broken for them), One of my friends is trying to heal physically as well as mourn the loss of her love the other is trying to cope with it all and deal with a precocious toddler all at once.

I lost a friend because she made some very horrible assumptions. I never would have thought anyone would use my current child bearing issues to hurt me so deeply.It hurts like a break up and my heart is still broken. I should be over it but I'm not, I don't recover from heartache easily I never have. To add insult to injury my"roller derby life" was blamed for it all in the end.

My roller derby team died and I almost went over the edge. With the stress of work and life I need to be a part of this more than ever and it died. It's back in a very very different way and I'm a part of it still. I don't think people get my addiction to, and the need to be a part of the derby world, even if I'm a mediocre writer and announcer and a horrible skater. I can't explain my love any more than I have in previous posts. It's just a part of who I am right now and it fills the need for time with other women.

My derby world is the only place I feel normal and accepted just as I am all the time other than at home, with family or church. I don't have to please people, pretend to be anything or try to impress and no matter where I go derby people treat me like family. Baby Face in Austin, Houston Roller Derby, and all the other leagues in Houston. Flat Out Roller Derby in Lake Charles LA and Spindletop in Beaumont TX. All welcome me as one of their own I feel like they are really family. When people speak of derby family I can assure you it really feels like family. Every bout and special event feels like Christmas to me.

When my team died it was like losing a member of this special family. I wept like a baby, I was very sad. Now we're back in a different way but we are still together and welcoming new members. It's different but it's going to be a lot of fun and I get to see my girls at least once a week!

I'm still not out of my dark place but the sun is showing through once again. Oh and I have a triple header HRD/TXRG bout to look forward to along with seeing my writing mentor this weekend! That is worth smiling about.


  1. My love to you babe!!

  2. I am sorry you felt that way. I didn't think I was using it against you :( I don't want to reopen wounds Shelly but honestly I was trying to figure out how you weren't there for me when I needed you the most. And the only two things that you seem to care about was roller derby and...the second thing was avoiding me. I felt very hurt then and a bit angry because I looked like a big jerk. You wrote this blog on the day I had Kade and I promise you I wept many tears that day and days before and after that you weren't there anymore, that I lost my best friend. I imagined we would be friends forever and that my kids would grow up calling you Aunt Shelly. If I ever thought it would have been different, I would have never asked if you would be his god mom. I hope one day you will see that I was standing in the same rain on the opposite side of the street and felt just as hurt. You felt like I made assumptions about you and used your child bearing situation to hurt you?? That was never my intention.. I felt that you threw me away cause I didn't fit anywhere in your life anymore. I miss you everyday and it did not feel like a break up to me.. It felt like my best friend died and I never got to say I love you or I am sorry. I never would intentionally hurt you and wish that you had knew that much in your heart to have given me the benefit of the doubt.

  3. you are one of the best friends i have ever had sunnie. don't let miserable people get you down. (i learned this from you) you are in a good place now. i am happy we have stayed friends even past the derby bomb that we had. and anyone who cant except derby for what it is in your life... well they dont deserve you. =) love you to pieces~